1. Isolate yourself
You are surrounded by other very smart people with different experience and ways of viewing problems.
But if you want to fail, don’t ask them for their opinions. Never ask for advice if you find something difficult, and never admit that you’re making less progress than you think you should.
Don’t discuss your research. Instead, wait till you write your thesis before you attempt to explain your work for the first time.
2. Don’t take time to think
You have to work hard if you’re doing a PhD.
Professors work 26 hours per day, so you must too. Clearly, that’s the best way to do your best work. If you stop to think, people might think you are being lazy, and it’s vital to maintain the appearance of being busy even if you’re too exhausted to tie your own shoelaces.
If you stop to think, you might be able to find a better way of doing things that saves you time… or a new idea that’s a breakthrough in your research. Then what are you going to do for the rest of the day?
3. Don’t ask for what you need
Your supervisor might say no, after all. Instead, carry on doing things the way you are whether it’s working or not.
You can avoid asking for things by following commandment 2. If you don’t think about what you need, you can’t ask for it.
4. Make lots of excuses
Things will happen that will slow you down.
It’s not your fault… you didn’t have the support, you didn’t have the resources, this didn’t arrive on time, there are too many distractions…
Excuses are a great way to cover up your own responsibility for your own research. Strip them away and the onus is on you to think about what you need to do to overcome the circumstances and make progress.
4. Spend all your time reacting to new things
Your inbox is your master. If you want to stay a PhD student forever then spend all your time reacting to new (but non-urgent) tasks coming in, rather than on your long-term goals or finishing what you’ve already started.
Wait till Monday before you decide what you’ll do next week, and then just do what you feel like doing at that moment.
5. Do everything important at the last minute
You work best with tight deadlines.
Doing everything at the last minute means that you won’t have time to think about what you are doing, and gives plenty of opportunity for excuses to crop up.
6. Ignore your own mistakes
Successful people acknowledge and think about their mistakes, then act accordingly.
But you learned from undergrad studies that a mistake is the worst thing you can make in an exam or in an essay. Back then there was little chance or need to learn from mistakes, as you only had to retake the exam if you failed.
Failing a PhD is all about working harder without gaining a deeper insight into your research. So don’t stop to think about what you’ve done wrong and what you can do differently, and never, ever admit your mistakes to others.
7. Avoid making decisions
You can avoid making mistakes in the first place by doing nothing.
Spend all your time worrying about whether this or that option is best, because you don’t and can’t ever know with certainty until you try (that¡s why it’s called research).
You could decide to try something new, but that means having to stop to think about the options. And you risk making mistakes which you’d then have to think about some more and try to learn from, or admit to.
8. Try to be an expert in everything
No good at statistics or data analysis? Never written a computer program before? No idea where to start with a new sub-topic?
Try to do it all yourself and don’t ask for help. Spend most of your time doing things you are bad at, and less time doing the things you’re good at.
It might take a colleague 30 seconds to do something it will take you a week to figure out, but then you can’t make excuses and look busy by struggling on alone.
9. Be totally passive with your supervisor
Just do as you are told. Don’t bring your own ideas to meetings, don’t ask for clarification, don’t stand up for yourself or what you think is best.
But speaking your mind, voicing your concerns, coming up with your own solutions to problems means that they might start to see you as a human being and a capable researcher, but there’s also a risk of them disagreeing with you.
You supervisor is not your employer. They aren’t your owner, either. Your time is yours, and you are investing it in the PhD.
But just stay quiet and stay chained to your desk for 3 more years.
10. Forget why you’re here
You are here to succeed. You are here to finish your PhD and move on to the next challenge in your life.
It involves taking some risks, making difficult decisions, thinking creatively, overcoming obstacles. It involves thinking about what you are going to do right now, and acting decisively to achieve what you want to achieve.
But it’s easier in the short term to see the whole thing as an impossible burden, to hide behind excuses, be passive, avoid making decisions and focus on all the problems you face instead.